Difficult conversations often occur in workplaces. Conflicting opinions and disagreements are inevitable, and if employees take these conflicts personally, it could hurt morale.
Such negative responses are often involuntary. The brain senses the stress of a tough conversation or disagreement and translates it as a threat, triggering a flight, fight, or freeze response.
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The Neuroscience Behind Difficult Conversations
Think about the uncomfortable situations you found yourself in. What was your initial reaction?
Chances are, you either shut down and didn't react, tried to get out of the situation as quickly as possible, or felt threatened and escalated the argument.
These are survival responses programmed into every human's brain.
Unfortunately, they block you from having the conversations necessary to solve conflicts at work and in life.
The Brain’s Role in Avoiding Difficult Conversations
The triune brain theory helps to explain our reflexive behaviours. This idea divides your brain into three parts:
The brain stem (reptilian brain) is responsible for instinctual responses like the fight, flight, or freeze reactions to stress.
The limbic system (mammalian brain) controls emotions, memories, and communication abilities.
The neocortex (thinking brain) is for reasoning and problem-solving.
Your neocortex can help you reason through disagreements and control your survival instincts. The problem is your brain stem tries to take over in stressful situations, blocking the neocortex until the "threat" passes.
Overcoming the Response to Difficult Conversations
Modern theories focus on the brain's adaptive abilities (neuroplasticity). If you are mindful of your responses to difficult conversations, you can adapt and mute the flight, fight, or freeze impulses.
Also, once you understand these impulsive responses in yourself, you can see them in others. You can learn to deal with them and set a positive tone that facilitates effective communication in conflict.
What Should We Look for in Ourselves and Others?
You don't need to be an expert to apply neuroscience at work. Try to spot behaviours in yourself and others that signal discomfort. For instance, changes in body language or tone of voice could tell you that someone is not at ease with the topic.
Behaviour changes could show that someone sees the conversation as difficult (even if you do not). This is important because each person has unique experiences. Values imparted by family, past traumas, culture, and previous workplace issues influence what people perceive as a threat.
An awareness of cultural differences and diverse life experiences can help you put yourself in others' shoes during difficult conversations and act with empathy rather than being antagonistic and making the conflict worse.
Common Difficult Topics We Encounter
Difficult conversations can come from work conflicts, your personal life, or relationships with family and friends. Here are the most common topics you might encounter.
Conflict at Work
You must find ways to turn work arguments into constructive situations that promote workplace rapport. A framework for such discussions might involve letting everyone control their emotions before focusing the conversation on solutions rather than grievances.
Asking for A Raise
Raise requests are almost always intimidating. You might fear rejection could affect your image in the office and your confidence. Or, you could be stressed about the idea of negotiating.
You can approach this difficult conversation by focusing on your accomplishments and value rather than dollar amounts. You should also be mindful of your manager's mindset and find a time when they are not stressed or busy.
Dealing with Cultural Differences
Discussions involving cultural differences are often complicated. The people involved may not fully understand each other's perspectives, and different expectations could make issues difficult to solve.
Some culture-based conflicts could start without an argument. For instance, someone might try to make light of differences with humour. Even well-meaning jokes could offend someone who might see stereotyping or criticism instead of comedy.
Try to use a diplomatic approach when dealing with cultural differences. Foster discussions rather than focusing on accusations. This strategy can lead to a deeper understanding of others' cultures.
Handling Sensitive Topics
Sensitive topics are challenging because someone may take the conversation personally. They could feel embarrassed, alienated, or offended by comments or requests.
For instance, different cultures have different standards for hygiene, food, and appropriate dress or actions at work.
You can adopt clear policies on dress and hygiene that apply to everyone. While these expectations should be mentioned publicly, it's usually best to bring up sensitive topics in private.
Setting Boundaries with Families and Friends
Difficult conversations can also happen outside of the workplace. You might struggle to enforce personal boundaries involving privacy or money, which can strain family relationships.
For example, some families may expect you to share income, while others could demand an allowance or try to borrow money.
The best approach is usually to make your feelings known without blaming the other person for their requests or money-related expectations.
How Tough Conversations Can Help
You may think you know how to handle tough conversations at work until a very uncomfortable topic comes up and someone pushes your buttons. You need to expose yourself to more diverse viewpoints to be better prepared and recognize other people's realities likely differ from yours. Once you see there are often no clear cut right and wrongs, you'll be better equipped to resolve disputes constructively and to use these situations to foster a deeper understanding between co-workers.
First, understanding how your brain works in stressful situations can help you tame impulsive responses. It can also help you react compassionately to fight, flight, or freeze responses from others.
Second, it's important to understand how cultural norms and differences affect people's actions and perceptions in the workplace. Difficult conversations provide an opportunity to expand cultural understanding and define policies in the office that work for everyone's benefit.
Third, give everyone a chance to present their side, focusing on their truth rather than others' actions.
Actionable Behaviours and Improvement
What is the best approach for how to handle tough conversations at work?
You can start by offering tools to turn the conversation positive. These might include:
Making empathy the default response to challenging situations
Actively listening to each side to understand their viewpoint
Providing time to regulate emotions before the discussion begins
Focusing on growth and understanding during difficult conversations
Even when there are no challenging situations at work, you can take steps to educate yourself on other cultures and experiences. This understanding can help when difficulties arise.
How to Talk About Sensitive Topics at Work
Neuroscience research shows that instincts inform responses to stress, conflicts, and difficult conversations. However, the brain is flexible, so you can train it to respond differently. If you opt for self-awareness, empathy, and cultural intelligence, you can turn these negative experiences into interactions that promote harmony in your office.
Read more about these ideas and use them to help you build harmony and cultural awareness in the workplace so that you know how to handle confrontations in a way that doesn't harm morale.
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