What Are You Really Avoiding at Work? Start with the Cultural Stories You've Inherited
- Daphne, FNDR of Tough Convos
- Jul 3
- 4 min read
Updated: Aug 8
You can't lead what you're not willing to look at.
And for many of us, the real leadership work begins not with strategy or status—but with the quiet stories we've accepted as truth without inspection.
These stories shape leadership blind spots, the learned responses and cultural default, the unspoken rules about who gets heard and who gets the benefit of the doubt.
To take responsibility as a leader means owning your impact, even the parts you didn't mean. But bias at work is hard to correct because it feels invisible—until someone shows you the ripple effects.
Knowing how to take responsibility as a leader starts right here with a genuine willingness to ask: What am I really avoiding? And what's the cost if I keep ignoring it?
Table of Contents:
The Cultural Stories That Shape Us
Before you ever stepped into a meeting room or led a team, you were already following a script. You just didn't write it.
You were taught how to "be" in conflict. You learned how much space to take up. You picked up on what emotions were safe to show. This all happened around dinner tables and in schools.
We inherit more than we realize. Maybe you grew up in a home where questioning elders meant disrespect. That might still show up when a junior colleague challenges you.
Bias gets baked into what we assume is normal. Take nationality as an example. Some Canadian workplaces value "niceness" so much that direct feedback feels harsh, even when it's necessary.
Or consider political subcultures. If you're from a community that values order and hierarchy, you might struggle with non-linear thinkers or shared leadership models.
We call these cultural stories. But they don't feel like stories. They feel like facts.
If we want to take responsibility as leaders, we have to ask:
Whose voice is this, really?
Whose rules am I following here?
And who pays the price when I don't question them?
What I Learned in June (Lessons to Share)
Lesson 1: Pace Matters
Leadership isn't about knowing. It's about noticing.
Noticing when you're filling the silence too fast. Noticing when your feedback feels safe—but not clear, not something that supports others' growth.
I want to reflect on a simple check-in I had this month. One of my team members made a comment about my tendency to jump in when they slow down to think.
What felt like being supportive to me was being read as mistrust by them.
This was about pace. Perhaps I read their hesitation as a signal something was wrong.
But in this case, slowing down was processing, creating, innovating, considering. All good things.
Self-awareness is a leadership skill. So, too, is pausing long enough to apply it.
Lesson 2: Integrity in the Dark Shapes Influence in the Light
I gave unclear directions to a colleague. They followed it. The outcome wasn't great, and technically, it wasn't their fault.
They looked to me for the next steps. I could've let it go, but I shouldn't choose comfort over clarity. Instead, I said, "That one's on me."
That's the thing about integrity. It shows up when no one's looking. And it tends to come into question at the most inconvenient times.
An example is those "harmless" slip-ups, such as taking credit for an idea that originated with someone else or letting a problematic comment slide because calling it out feels risky. These are not neutral moves. They're intentional actions.
If you want people to trust your leadership, you must show them how you lead when integrity feels optional. The real challenge is whether you're still ethical when no one expects you to be.
Inspire Change, Don't Impose It
In many cultures, families, communities, and industries, there's a familiar binary: dominate or disappear. Speak fast or be ignored. Solve quickly or seem unsure. Show strength or lose respect.
If that's the blueprint, it makes sense that many leaders default to "fixing" instead of listening.
Control-based leadership often rewards speed over reflection, certainty over progress. But that kind of leadership isn't founded on emotional safety.
Emotional safety is important to personal development at work. It's one part of how to become a better leader.
Of course, cultivating emotional safety for a diverse team is easier said than done. Many of us were raised to perform strength. So when someone brings vulnerability to the table, the instinct is to rescue or redirect. Our self-awareness in leadership needs to step in and stop those instincts from taking over.
But here's what inclusive leadership and accountability require:
Unlearning the need to control
Relearning how to hold space
Practicing presence when the outcome isn't clear
Leadership shouldn't try to change people. It should create a container where they feel safe enough to change themselves.
From Awareness to Responsibility
Self-awareness without action is just observation.
Most of us can name our weaknesses. We see our patterns of behaviour. But do we own it? Do we challenge ourselves when it's so much easier not to?
Avoidance at work is often hidden in good intentions. It's when you say, "Not now" or "That's not my place."
These excuses aren't about what you're capable of. They're about what you're afraid of.
You might be afraid of making things worse or rocking the boat, losing your status or compromising relationships.
But what's ignored becomes endorsed.
So, how do you know what you're avoiding?
Look at what keeps circling back.
Take note of the tension that resurfaces.
Consider the person who's always "hard to read."
Dig into the feedback that stings a little too much.
From there, you can become more accountable. And more accountability means more influence. Think about it:
When leaders take ownership without blame, it builds credibility.
When they model reflection, they invite others to step forward, too.
If you're building a culture of trust, don't wait for permission. Go first. Ask the awkward question. Acknowledge the thing you'd rather not.
Your Turn: What Will You Confront This Month?
Name one thing you're ready to confront this month—about yourself, your leadership, or your workplace. Write it down, reflect on it, and revisit it in 30 days. Or share it with us in the comments.
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